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January 4, 2008
Razzle Dazzle: 2008
The Year in Review
By RICHARD STEIER
Over the past eight years, this column has taken a certain pride
in the frequency with which its predictions for the year ahead
have been spectacularly wrong. Some have accused us of deliberately
imagining the most absurd possible conclusions arising from the
dealings of prominent officials. We'd love to defend ourselves,
but they happen to be right.
This being an election year, however, we feel entitled to radically
shift our position and assure you that this year's absurd conclusions
are absolutely logical, to the point where we can virtually guarantee
their happening. As good-faith evidence, we point to the large
number of predictions in last year's column that turned out, as
Walt Frazier might put it, to be both audacious and sagacious.
Start with the Chicago Bears losing the Super Bowl. (Sure we predicted
that it would be the Jets defeating them while consigning the actual
champion Indianapolis Colts to a first-round elimination, but as
Rudy Giuliani would say, nobody's perfect.)
Spitzer Feud, PBA Coronation
Move on to our correctly forecasting a nasty feud between Governor
Spitzer and Senate Majority Leader Joe Bruno (okay, that wasn't
hard) and Pat Lynch's re-election without opposition as Patrolmen's
Benevolent Association president (also easy, if not necessarily
logical).
We also predicted that a judge would deny Transport Workers' Union
Local 100's bid to have dues check-off rights restored, and that
Roger Toussaint would be too preoccupied with other business to
fully serve his members (okay, so we imagined that other business
would be a recording career in which he settled scores with his
enemies outside the union, rather than an internal purge in which
he settled scores with his enemies inside it).
There was also the prognostication that Bernie Kerik would be
indicted by Federal prosecutors (admittedly a no-brainer) and that
it would affect Mr. Giuliani's presidential campaign (although
we predicted that the former Mayor would eventually quit the race "to
spend more time with his family," which might still happen
if the results on Super Tuesday are not to his liking).
If you discount the parenthetical clarifications, we're on a
major roll (in the German army, that's two ranks below a kaiser
roll). And so it is with great pride that we present our Bernie
Awards for memorable deeds and utterances during the past year,
and with even greater confidence that we unleash our predictions
for the coming one upon the unsuspecting public:
The Steamroller Hits a Giant Pothole and Can't Dig Himself
Out Award to Governor Spitzer for squandering his mandate
and putting his political future in jeopardy with a dubious attempt
to embarrass Joe Bruno.
The Muhammad Ali Rope-a-Dope Award to Senate
Majority Leader Bruno for using state helicopters primarily for
fund-raising activities but having the other guy crack up.
The George W. Bush Award for knowing a lot more
about winning elections than how to govern to Lillian Roberts,
for winning re-election in a landslide and gaining control of the
District Council 37 executive board but being unable to get the
City Council to approve a residency waiver for her members 18 months
after Mayor Bloomberg approved it.
Four More Years Late
The Four More Years Behind Award to Pat Lynch
for a bargaining strategy that got him re-elected without opposition
at the Patrolmen's Benevolent Association but could force his members
to wait until the summer for a successor contract to the one that
expired Aug. 1, 2004.
The Bialystock and Bloom Let's Put on a Surefire Flop
Award to Mayor Bloomberg for leaving the Off-Track Betting
Corporation at a competitive disadvantage on its payouts to bettors
while being run by Rudy Giuliani's cousin, and then acting surprised
that it's losing money.
The Patience is a Virtue When It's Your Butt Being Protected
Award to Schools Chancellor Joel Klein, who survived
a school bus-route fiasco and his third reorganization of the
system this year but pulled the plug on the Principal of an Arabic
school soon after she made an ill-advised comment during an interview
he ordered her to give.
The You're Doin' a Heckuva Job, Brownie Award to
Amalgamated Transit Union International President Warren George
for failing to order new elections at his city school-bus local
even after a report he commissioned found it had been corrupted
to the core by organized crime.
The I Cost the Union Millions But the Real Problem is
Guys Who Are $15 Behind on Their Dues Award to Roger
Toussaint, who has seized the opportunity presented when dues
check-off rights were suspended for Transport Workers Union Local
100 as a pretext for retaliation against his growing list of
in-house enemies, in the process proving that all the lies they
told about him being a ruthless dictator might actually be true.
The Hiding in Plain Sight Award to Buildings
Commissioner Patricia Lancaster, whose agency has been virtually
exempted from criticism while city officials pointed fingers at
the Fire Department for the shoddy safety procedures that resulted
in the Deutsche Bank Building fire.
What a Huckleberry
The Holy Cow, Scooter Award to President Bush
for an administration in which even the supposed heavyweights (Dick
Cheney, Karl Rove) look as dismal as the drones like Alberto Gonzales
and Harriet Miers, while also eroding our rights and our standing
in the world.
The If the Media Wants to Give a Free Ride to My Muslim,
Cocaine-Dealing Opponent, I've Got a Right to Get Tough With
Those Weasels Award to Hillary Clinton for strong-arming
GQ into scrapping a potentially critical profile of her by threatening
to withhold Bill's cooperation for another piece by the magazine.
The I'm Spinning As Fast As I Can Award to Rudy
Giuliani for running away from past positions on gun control and
immigrants while trying to convince the American public that he
single-handedly pulled thousands of people to safety on 9/11 and
so is entitled to associate with whatever dubious entities (friends
of foreign dictators, governments that assisted terrorists, Bernie
Kerik) might benefit him.
The When You Ain't Got Nothin' You Got Nothin' to Lose
Award to Mr. Kerik for refusing to take a two-year Federal
sentence for a guilty plea on crimes similar to those he already
admitted to in state court, instead gambling for his freedom
against the possibility of doing more than twice as much time
behind bars.
And now, with last year's top performers duly honored, it's time
to peek at everything that's likely to happen in 2008:
Sending Bill Abroad
Jan. 8 - Five days after finishing a distant
sixth in the Iowa Caucuses captured by Mike Huckabee, Rudy Giuliani
runs fourth in the New Hampshire Republican Primary behind a resurgent
John McCain, Mitt Romney and Mr. Huckabee. Although some of his
big contributors jump ship, Mr. Giuliani insists he is not concerned,
predicting big wins in Michigan and Florida that will give him
all the momentum heading into Super Tuesday.
On the Democratic side, Hillary Clinton finishes 3 points behind
Barack Obama for her second straight defeat. Saying she will be
the change-agent for her own campaign, she dispatches her husband
to China for a month-long fact-finding tour.
Jan. 15 - Mr. Romney edges Mr. Giuliani in Michigan,
while John Edwards's populist appeal earns him his first primary
win and keeps his chances for the Democratic nomination alive.
Mr. Giuliani, who had skipped weekend campaigning in order to attend
the Giants' second-round playoff loss against Dallas, said he will
now be able to sharpen his focus heading into make-or-break territory
in Florida.
Two days later, shortly before a fund-raiser at the Waldorf, Mr.
McCain pays a visit to City Hall and leaves carrying a heavy satchel
with a PlaNYC insignia.
Jan. 23 - Appellate Division judges order the
restoration of dues check-off rights for members of TWU Local 100.
Union President Roger Toussaint issues a press release that calls
this good news but emphasizes that those who are considered in
bad standing will remain in bad standing even if they make good
on whatever they owe.
Mayor Bloomberg criticizes the judges for restoring dues rights
without a promise from Mr. Toussaint that he will never strike
again. Asked for his reaction, the Local 100 leader replies, "No
soup for him, either."
McCain, Si; Rudy, No
Jan. 29 - Mr. McCain wins the Florida Republican
primary, leaving Mr. Giuliani sputtering about a last-second negative
advertising blitz referring to him as El Gringo and quoting his
remarks during the debates about building the Big Fence to keep
undocumented workers out.
On the Democratic side, Mr. Edwards, who also got a sudden infusion
of campaign money, defeats Ms. Clinton and Mr. Obama to grab the
momentum heading into Super Tuesday. Standing to the side of the
stage as he addresses his supporters is Deputy Mayor Kevin Sheekey.
Feb. 3 - Two weeks after ending the New England
Patriots' bid for a perfect season, the Colts defeat the Cowboys
in the Super Bowl, 34-17. The talk of the political world, however,
is the way that Fox, which televised the game from Glendale, Arizona,
turned it into a showcase for Mr. Giuliani at a time when the state's
native son, Senator McCain, seemed poised to win most of the Super
Tuesday primaries.
After bringing Mr. Giuliani into the announcers' booth for the
entire second quarter, Fox breaks with its tradition of offering
the season debut of its hottest show following the game in order
to broadcast an hour-long interview of Mr. Giuliani by Sean Hannity
portraying him as a devoted family man who saved America from Osama
bin Laden, Saddam Hussein and Ruth Messinger.
Playing the Game
When the other candidates protest to the FCC that this is a blatant
violation of equal-time rules, Fox chairman Rupert Murdoch points
out that Mr. Giuliani was the only one who interrupted his campaign
schedule to attend the game.
Feb. 5 - Buoyed by the extra air time, Mr. Giuliani
narrowly wins several southern primaries but still loses New York,
New Jersey, Illinois and California to Mr. McCain.
Ms. Clinton wins New York, but Mr. Obama takes Illinois and California
and Mr. Edwards triumphs in New Jersey, Connecticut and Massachusetts,
as well as several states in the South and Southwest. His strength
in the Northeast is particularly surprising, and speculation grows
about the source of the money for the large media buy his campaign
made starting the weekend before the vote.
Feb. 6 - Pressure grows on Mr. Giuliani to step
aside so that Mr. McCain can gain the nomination without further
attacks from within his party, while Senator Obama appeals to Senator
Clinton to throw her support to him as he battles Mr. Edwards for
the Democratic nod.
Both refuse to yield and go gracefully, however. Ms. Clinton fires
most of her campaign staff but has one of her operatives leak information
that while in China Mr. Clinton has been unfaithful to her, hoping
to create a sympathy backlash.
Return to Liberal Roots
Mr. Giuliani calls his old friend and political adviser Ray Harding
and asks whether he would consider reactivating the Liberal Party.
Mr. Harding replies, "For you, Rudy, anything, as long as
the usual number of jobs are forthcoming if you succeed."
"Great," the former Mayor responds. "Just one thing
- the party's gonna need a name-change. I'm not going to get too
many Republicans and Reagan Democrats voting on the Liberal line."
"Okay," Mr. Harding responds, "how about we call
it the Not-So-Liberal Party?"
"No good - it's still got Liberal in the name," Rudy
replies. "How 'bout something that's truer to what you really
stand for?"
"You mean like the Patronage Party?"
"Maybe something a little less blatant," the ex-Mayor
responds. "The Patriot Party, for instance."
"Sounds good to me," Mr. Harding said. "And just
as a show of good faith on your part, how 'bout upfront giving
us six jobs at Giuliani Partners?"
Feb. 13 - The day after winning the primaries
in Maryland and Virginia, Mr. Edwards asks Mr. Toussaint for additional
financial help so he can gain a clear advantage for the Democratic
nomination by winning Ohio and Texas. Mr. Toussaint tells him he
will do it if Mr. Edwards can persuade Governor Spitzer to repeal
the Taylor Law.
"Done," the former Senator from North Carolina
says.
Back Up the Tour Bus
Senator Clinton, having failed to benefit from playing the infidelity
card, announces that she is going on a listening tour of those
two states.
Asked what he makes of that, Senator Obama says, "When you
can't afford to buy ads, you listen."
March 4 - Mr. Giuliani, able to raise cash again
after obtaining the Patriot Party line, wins Ohio and Texas, slowing
Senator McCain's march to the nomination. Mr. Edwards captures
Ohio and Texas to emerge as the clear Democratic front-runner,
but Ms. Clinton's surprise victories in Rhode Island and Vermont
(total electoral votes: 7) lead her to pronounce herself "The
Comeback Babe" and declare she's in the race until the end.
Back at City Hall, there is consternation over these developments. "This
wasn't supposed to happen," Mayor Bloomberg tells Mr. Sheekey. "The
money I slipped to McCain and Edwards should have sewed up the
nominations by now, and left me with the perfect candidates to
run against. Why should I have to worry about Rudy and Hillary
coming back from the political dead?"
March 15 - Following his performance in the Inner
Circle show, the Mayor announces from the stage of the New York
Hilton that he's running for President. He hasn't finished speaking
when other elected officials in the Grand Ballroom fling themselves
before the lobbyists in attendance, soliciting contributions for
the special election to replace Mr. Bloomberg if he wins.
A Budget Fight
March 31 - Senate Majority Leader Joe Bruno pledges
to sign off on both a new state budget and campaign finance reform
if Governor Spitzer agrees to box him for four rounds. "We
could do a billion dollars with the pay-per-view rights, and it'd
be worth giving him campaign reform just to smack him all over
the ring," Mr. Bruno tells reporters.
Mr. Spitzer quickly agrees, but then several obstacles arise,
among them (a) Mr. Bruno's insistence that there be no press releases
about his business dealings issued by the Governor between rounds
in an attempt to provoke the Majority Leader into abandoning his
game plan to try for a quick knockout; (b) the Governor's position
that the weigh-in shouldn't be under oath; and (c) finding a date
when Shelly Silver can attend.
April 22 - Mr. McCain and Mr. Edwards capture
their parties' primaries in Pennsylvania, cementing their status
as the likely Republican and Democratic nominees. Mr. Giuliani
vows to soldier on, and Ms. Clinton promises a "surprise
announcement" the following week.
April 30 - Ms. Clinton announces that the Working
Families Party will break with its past practice of supporting
the Democratic nominee for President and give her its line in November,
setting up a potential five-way battle including the major-party
nominees plus Mr. Giuliani and Mr. Bloomberg.
Taking Klein on Road
May 19 - State reading scores show no major gains
in the city public schools. Joel Klein begins planning a fourth
reorganization of the system, but before he can award a $20-million
contract to a consultant, the Mayor announces that the Chancellor
is transferring from his government team to his campaign staff
for the next six months.
Asked who will run the schools during that period, Mr. Bloomberg
responds, "Randi Weingarten. She's been trying to do it
for years; let her take some of the heat for a change."
June 17 - A new city budget is approved. The
state budget is on hold for the summer, however, due to continued
logistical problems in scheduling the Spitzer-Bruno boxing match.
July 22 - American Federation of State, County
and Municipal Employees Judicial Panel Chairman Kangaroo John Seferian
upholds the election victory of Local 372 President Veronica Montgomery-Costa
by 19 votes, ruling that the local's election committee was within
its rights in disqualifying 1,400 ballots cast for opposing candidates
even though the voters at issue had proved that they were members
in good standing.
Mr. Seferian concludes his 68-page decision by noting, "That
local isn't ready for democracy."
Aug. 13 - Formal charges are brought against
Ms. Montgomery-Costa after it is learned that she celebrated her
re-election by ordering the Local 372 board to triple her salary.
Mr. Seferian notes that the new pay rate, combined with her compensation
as president of District Council 37, puts her total compensation
above the $585,000 received by AFSCME President Gerry McEntee.
Raising All Boats
The charges are dropped when, midway through the AFSCME convention,
Ms. Montgomery-Costa sponsors a resolution doubling Mr. McEntee's
salary, which is unanimously approved by the delegates.
Aug. 28 - Despite the pleas of Ms. Clinton that
she is the rightful nominee, Democrats in Denver give John Edwards
their nomination for President.
Sept. 4 - Republicans in Minneapolis give the
GOP nomination to John McCain.
Sept. 22 - Fox announces that it has sold the
advertising rights to the World Series to Bloomberg for President.
To dispel rumors that he will use the Fall Classic as the key prong
in his strategy to monopolize the airwaves with campaign ads just
prior to the election, the Mayor says that 10 minutes of ad time
each game will be sold to commercial sponsors, but that only beer
companies that produce low-carb brews and car ads for hybrid models
will be considered.
Ms. Clinton protests that this will deprive her and the other
candidates of their First Amendment rights, while Mr. Giuliani
calls it un-American to discriminate against carbohydrates and
gas-guzzlers.
In an attempt to mollify Mr. Bloomberg's most-vociferous critics,
Fox announces that drivers in future NASCAR events it televises
will be allowed to carry guns. Automatic weapons, however, will
be barred so as to keep programming suitable for family audiences.
Tussling With Toussaint
Oct. 15 - TWU Local 100 begins negotiations on
a new contract with President Roger Toussaint demanding 15-percent
annual raises.
His proposal is immediately denounced as a sellout by his 14,000
opponents within the union, who have finally coalesced under the
banner of "Members in Bad Standing."
"So what," Mr. Toussaint responds, "they can't
vote anyway."
Oct. 26 - After the Mets defeat the Red Sox in
the seventh game of the World Series, Mayor Bloomberg visits the
winning clubhouse and takes a swig of champagne.
With the TV cameras rolling, he is heard saying, "My God,
this swill is worse than the low-carb beer we've been sponsoring."
His poll numbers drop for four days, until another billion-dollar
ad buy brings them back up.
Nov. 2 - Sunday morning talk shows are buzzing
over polls showing the Democratic and Republican nominees running
fourth and fifth in the presidential race. Tim Russert opines that
Ms. Clinton and Mr. Giuliani may have found the perfect kind of
race to overcome the strong negative feelings many voters have
for them: one in which turning out the 25 percent who would vote
for them under any circumstances might be enough to win.
Nov. 5 - With election results still being tallied
well past midnight, the popular vote shows Mayor Bloomberg with
26 percent of the vote, Ms. Clinton with 23, Mr. Giuliani with
20, Mr. Edwards with 17 and Mr. McCain with 14.
Vox Pop Not Enough
At 3 a.m. Mayor Bloomberg greets his supporters at the New York
Sheraton by proclaiming, "I'm the man of the people!"
Unfortunately for the Mayor, his similarly small lead in the Electoral
College will translate to just 146 votes, well short of the 270
required to be elected.
Dec. 15 - The Electoral College results are finalized.
With no candidate gaining a majority, the top three vote-getters
- Mr. Bloomberg, Ms. Clinton and Mr. Giuliani - have their names
submitted to the House of Representatives, which will decide in
mid-January whom the next President will be.
With Democrats maintaining their sizable lead in the House, pundits
immediately declare that Ms. Clinton is the overwhelming favorite
to be chosen President.
"I owe it all to Gerry McEntee," she tells reporters. "When
he jumped ship to support John Edwards at the convention, it was
like I'd been able to transfer the kiss of death."
Dec. 24 - As Roger Toussaint dozes, visions of
another transit strike in three weeks dancing in his head, he is
visited by the Ghost of Mike Quill.
"Turn the other cheek and let bygones be bygones, laddie," the
Ghost tells him. "But Mike, I'm just following your example," a
groggy Mr. Toussaint protests.
"Wake up, boyo," Mr. Quill replies. "The '66 transit
strike was a one-time thing, and it wound up killing me. Is that
what you want: to be a dead legend when you're 60? Scare the bejabbers
out of the editorial writers if you want, but get a back-room deal
done before the deadline this time, so that you know how the drama's
gonna come out before the curtain.
"And while I've got yer attention," the late TWU leader
continues, "stop kickin' people out of the union just because
they don't always agree with you. If you think the only people
who belong inside are the ones who tell you how great you are,
you should be runnin' a nightclub, not a union."
Dec. 25 - Mr. Toussaint awakens a changed man.
He calls all the union members he has alienated and invites them
to Madison Square Garden for dinner, rehires everyone whom he had
fired during the previous eight years, and sends the leftover food
to Sonny Hall's house.
"God bless us every one," the Local 100 leader declares.
The moment of good feeling is shattered when the anarcho-atheists
among the dissidents protest and accuse him of selling out to false
idols.
Gazing heavenward, Mr. Toussaint says, "I tried, Mike, I
tried."
Dec. 31 - From his Federal prison cell in Danbury,
Bernie Kerik phones Judith Regan collect. After she reminds him
of her old restraining order, he tells her, "No, babe, this
is business, not personal. I've got a story to tell, and a perfect
title. How's 'Rudy Dearest' sound to you?"
Happy New Year.
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